The Potter Formula
by Onionbreath002
Summary: Ever read through like a thousand HP fics and notice a lot of similarities that people find to be written in stone as what should happen or how characters normally are? I did... that plus a lotta coke is probably not a healthy thing.


A/N: Right… funny story… I was sitting around waiting for my friend to finish her homework in summer class. Well, to spite her (especially since she took so bloody long to do programs…), I randomly yelled out "HARRY POTTER FANFICTIONS!" and started well, reading HP fanfics. Lemme just say first, that I don't mean to offend anyone…but seriously folks…there are over twenty two hundred thousand fics in this bloody section… a lot of fics follow the exact same format. Well… we all gotta laugh at ourselves sometime. It's just a funny idea I got after reading the same JP/LE formula…the same HP/-insert character here- formula…etc. I realize that there are nuances… and frankly, we read these fics FOR these nuances. I'm just picking out particular ones I find funny.

Note, I am a guy, so don't expect me to be big on homosexual pairings… I mean…because of the clichéd-ness of certain pairings (cough Harry/Draco /cough) born in the minds of fangirls… I do have it in here…but yes, it will be mocked.

…So basically, if you don't like the general formula of many HP fics to be viewed in a funny and satirical way… click the back button now.

Otherwise, enjoy. Oh…and honestly, I don't know WHY the disclaimers need to be in here…because I'm pretty sure if I were JK Rowling…I would NOT be wasting my time doing this… but for you purists out there… I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

Phase 1: The Setup

A tall dark and hooded figure prowled the corridors of Hogwarts. It was after dark and very few students were up and about. The figure walked slowly, deliberately, pausing every now and then to scribble something on a notepad he carried. Interestingly, every time he did, a section of the corridor would turn a violent pink.

After finally reaching the Great Hall, the man stepped inside and pulled down his hood. Underneath, the eyes of an average 17 year old, black hair, Asian features, and rather amused smile, glanced around.

'Yes…this will do nicely.' He thought. Putting his hood back on, he left the Great Hall, smiling ominously from the shadows of his robes.

_**One week later…**_

James Potter walked down the hallways of Hogwarts consciously. He was in his sixth year, tall, handsome, impossibly messy hair, and deep mysterious hazel eyes, but that's not important. What's important at that moment in time was that James Potter was nervously walking down the hallways. Never in his history of being at the school was he ever nervous. Why? The answer is simple. Someone was pranking the school…and that someone wasn't him or any of his friends.

It all started a week ago when the student body woke to find an entire corridor leading to the Great Hall… painted a violent shade of pink. Who ever did it was a master…for not even Dumbledore could remove the hue. There was nothing to do except for it to wear off.

James was perturbed, as were the rest of the Marauders. Who would be good enough to pull something that not even Dumbledore could fix? But then again, some spells really don't have counterspells, so the guys decided to let it go.

But then, stranger things began to happen. Sirius Black suddenly turned well… metrosexual. Peter became reclusive and rarely seen. Heck, even Lily Evans became nastier than usual to him (though he figured that she's just blaming all the pranks on him).

Speaking of Evans… she was currently comforting her distraught friend, who was still being teased because her parents were drunk enough to make the spelling of her name Kaatheryin or something like that. Her other friend, Alice, developed an overnight crush on Frank Longbottom as well. As for Lily's third friend Arabella Figg… she was caught in a horrible accident that drained all her magical powers. Figg was now no more than a Squib and had left Hogwarts. Her bed in Lily's room was given to a Spanish/Portuguese/Irish/Finlandian/Etc girl named Estella Stourida… a match in the odd spelling contest as Kaatheryin's name is.

As Potter walked down the halls, his thoughts floated back to Evans and her friends. Lily was a five foot two, well-developed girl, with curves in the right places. Her sleek red hair and emerald eyes would entrance James for hours at a time. Alice had soft blonde hair and was a tad pudgy, but pretty at the same time. Kaatheryin was the Irish beauty (well, as of last week… before she was an English one). Standing the tallest out of her three friends at a whopping five foot four, she was also impossibly busty and had a smile that could melt the wills of any man. Isabella was the shortest one, yet the feistiest. Her dark hair floated down to almost her waist and her figure wasn't that bad to look at either. The three were by far the prettiest girls in Hogwarts.

As James continued to think about these things, he suddenly lost focus and ran straight into something…or someone. Potter, being the strapping six foot one quidditch player he is, quickly recovered. The person he bumped into however, being smaller and not exactly that athletic, took a tumble.

James caught his breath and his thoughts and checked to see who he had just run over. His eyes gleamed when he saw who it was and his hand flew to his hair instinctively.

"So Evans, couldn't resist my charms eh?"

The girl in question who was scowling and picking herself up from the ground rolled her eyes at his predictive line. "In your dreams Potter…in your dreams."

"Then this must be a pretty realistic dream." James smirked again. "So Evans, would you li-"

"NO."

"Bu-"

"NO"

"You didn-"

"NO! NEIN! NON! NAO! HOW MANY WAYS DO I HAVE TO SAY NO UNTIL YOU'D GET THE HINT POTTER!"

Lily seethed, but perhaps by divine fate she saw the instant flash of hurt in James Potter's eyes before it was covered up by his usual cheerful gleam. She was taken aback by her own reaction to it. Perhaps Potter did care. Lily shook her head and quickly turned and stormed off, leaving James to sigh and trudge off into the Great Hall. In his depression, he did not notice the snickering figure emerging from behind a strategically placed suit of armor.

--

The mysterious black hooded figure was more alert in his lurking than James Potter had been. That was however, a given. He was wearing a rather ominous black hood and it was also nearly a decade before his time. He definitely wasn't supposed to be here, but for the sake of the story, he was here.

You see, the mysterious figure in question is actually I, the author, abusing my power…because I'm just that mean. Plus, I enjoy random acts of violence…and I figure the closest way to see that is to hang around James Potter and Lily Evans. Besides, at this point in time, I'm still older then them… HA!

But that's beside the point… it was time to plot. I pulled out my little checklist and crossed off item one. Not bad…not bad at all. Only a few hundred left to go. Sighing, I pull out my notepad and a pencil. Hmm… actually… I want a quill. Scribbling that little detail into my notebook, my pencil suddenly became a quill… and okay, I also wrote in about fifty more suits of armor placed in strategic location…but hey, who cares, this place seems to have armor everywhere anyways.

Ahh yes, but where are my manners? My name is Charlie…and I am on a quest…to recreate Harry Potter…the way half the fics in this section does. But enough about me, time to get to work.

--

Charlie exited his little monologue to his magic-tape recorder that me used his author powers to create and lurked into the Great Hall. He found James Potter with his friends and Lily Evans with hers. Smirking, he pulled his notepad out again. Time to get to work.

--

"Oy Prongs, couldn't end the year without having another row with Evans?" Sirius asked stuffing his bottomless pit of a stomach, which he strangely obtained three days ago, with a pile of mushed together food.

"How can you tell?" Peter, the suddenly even dimmer than usual one, asked.

"Well dear wormy, Prongsie here is brooding…plus I'm pretty sure that the yelling I heard earlier was dear Evans here yelling at dear Prongsie."

"She hates me man." James said dejectedly, sitting down.

"I don't get why you keep chasing after her." Sirius said. "She obviously doesn't like you, and she's not even that hot. Now, take Amelia Wright for example…"

"Okay Sirius, you're not helping." Remus said looking up from a book.

"Its true…speaking of Amelia…"

"SIRIUS!"

"All right… all right."

Remus sighed and put the book down. "James, if you want to get Lily, you have to change your attitude. It's been six years… I don't think doing the same thing you've been doing would get her to go out with you."

"You know I try Moony, but it's hard."

"Well, look at it this way, you'll either have to change, or you'll have to get used to living without Lily. Besides, you don't need to change much, just stop acting so cocky all the time. You're a good guy, just show Lily that you're a good person."

"Maybe you're right. Next year will be different… I know it."

"Mmhmm." Remus said going back to his book. "You have all summer to change."

"Heads up Prongs." Sirius suddenly cut in. "But Amos Prettyboy Diggory is making towards Evans."

"What!"

"You know, it's weird, Amos was never a pretty boy jerk until last week."

James glared at Sirius. "Just like you suddenly turned weird and metrosexual last week?"

"Hey! Just because I happen to like pink…"

"Please don't finish that…"

Meanwhile, Lily Evans was going about her favorite subject… much to the dismay of her friends.

"I HATE POTTER!"

Emmeline Vance, another sixth year groaned. "We get the point Lily…you hate James Potter."

"He's just so…UGH!"

Kathy sighed. "What did he do this time?"

"He asked me out…AGAIN. And he's so bloody arrogant."

"And that's news because…?" Estella asked. The girl's only been at Hogwarts for a week and already she knows the saga of James Potter and Lily Evans.

"It's just so…UGH!"

"We know…" Alice said, not really paying attention but aware that every one of Lily's rants was directed towards one James Potter.

"Heads up." Emmeline sighed. "Diggory is headed our way."

All the girls immediate put on smiles. Since a week ago, Diggory suddenly became a match in looks and mannerisms with the Marauders. The only difference is, he was a seventh year, and in their eyes, his arrogance and cockiness was "maturity." Diggory put on a smooth smile and sauntered over to Lily.

"Hey Lily… may I have a word with you?"

The girl blushed and nodded, following Diggory out the Great Hall to much giggling of her friends.

James Potter glared daggers at Amos Diggory. He would much rather wish he could take REAL daggers to Diggory, but since that would get him tossed into Azkaban, he'd have to settle for glaring.

"What's that bum think he's doing with my Lily!"

"News flash Prongs." Sirius said between mouthfuls. "She's not yours. Now if you'll excuse me… I spot a certain blonde female in need of company."

Remus sighed as he watched Sirius get up and make a beeline towards Amelia Wright. As he watched however, he noticed a dark figure in the corner writing something down on a muggle notepad.

"Hey James…" Remus said. "Who's that?"

James tore his eye away from Amos and Lily to follow Remus' pointing finger. "You mean tall, dark and creepy?"

"Yeah…only he looks like he's laughing or something."

"Well…that rules out Death Eater…I don't think they can laugh."

"Hmm… I notice he's writing a lot in that notepad… a little too much…" Remus said. Suddenly, the hooded figure looked up and Remus locked eyes with him. The figure became flustered and quickly sneaked out of the Great Hall.

"What was that all about?" James asked.

"I don't know…" Remus said. "But something tells me that he's aware of the fact that he's not supposed to be here."

"He looks suspicious… lets go see what he's up to." James said, pulling out his wand and heading straight out the Great Hall.

"Wait, James, shouldn't we… ahh forget it." Remus sighed, pulling out his wand and following his friend, hoping that his dark haired compatriot isn't doing something stupid.

Charlie walked along the corridor. Getting caught was definitely not part of the plan. He cursed his uncontrollable tendencies to laugh at other people's misfortunes and glanced down at his Author's Handbook… a nice little contraption that told him anything and everything he needed to know. Unfortunately, he checked it a little too late, as he ran into a random dead end of the castle and James Potter was closing in on him. Panicking, he quickly pulled out his notepad and pencil, only to have a stunner barely miss him.

"Hands up, or else you'll be looking for your manhood." James scowled.

Charlie turned around, and put his arms up, letting his hood fall.

"Whoa… you're barely older than I am!" James said surprised.

Charlie shrugged. "Seventeen, what's it too you? Now if you'll kindly put that wand down…"

"I'm afraid I can't do that death eater…" James scowled while Remus caught up with him.

Charlie looked at him funny, and laughed. He pointed at his own face. "Do I LOOK like a death eater?"

"How would I know what death eaters look like!" James asked. "You're the one sneaking around in a black cloak."

"Okay, if I'm a death eater, explain to me why I'm deigning myself to using a muggle pencil and notepad."

James froze. It was true; it didn't make sense.

"Okay, so if you're not a death eater, then who are you?"

"Uhm…" Charlie froze…then suddenly pointed behind James. "LOOK BEHIND YOU!"

James and Remus exchanged worried glances. "Are you okay there mate? You actually think we'd fall for that one?"

"Oh yeah… hold on…" Charlie said, bring his pencil to his notepad.

"What are you doing?"

"One second!" Charlie said. "…and…James…and…Remus…were… dumb…enough… to… fall… for… it… … and Remus got… hit …with … a … rock... and… forgot…everything..."

"Hey!"

Charlie stowed his stationary and once again pointed behind James and Remus. "LOOK BEHIND YOU!"

For some unexplainable reason, both Remus and James instinctively turned their heads. When they turned back, cursing themselves for falling for such a juvenile trick, the man was gone.

"Where'd he go?" James asked.

Remus didn't have a chance to answer as a giant stone from the ceiling hit him straight on the head.

"OW!"

"Oy! Moony! You alright there?"

Remus looked around dazedly. "Huh? Oh yeah. What are we doing here?"

"We're chasing that cloaked man remember?"

"…cloaked…man?"

"Yeah! You know, the guy with the muggle pencil and notepad."

"…uhm, no, I don't know. Come on James, stop playing games. Lets get back to the Great Hall and hope Sirius hasn't eaten the entire hall down."

James looked highly flustered. "But… he was…"

"Oh come on James, let's go."

Potter looked around one more time, and left, wondering if he's gone daft. Once they were gone, Charlie emerged from the little niche he wrote himself and let out the breath he was holding. Scowling, he brought his pencil to his paper again. Then, changing the color of his robes, he strode off towards the Great Hall to watch the ensuing Chaos.

James sat down next to Sirius who was introducing a rather curvy sixth year Hufflepuff with sleek blonde hair.

"Hey Prongs, this is Amelia. Amelia, Pron- I mean James Potter."

"Hi!" Amelia smiled hopefully.

James replied half heartedly as his mind shifted from the mysterious cloaked man to Lily and Diggory entering the hall again. Lily was flushed and giggled uncontrollably when she got to her friends.

"What do you think hap-" Sirius began only to be interrupted.

"OH MY GOD LILY EVANS IS GOING OUT WITH AMOS DIGGORY!" Kathy screamed from down the table.

Remus and Sirius immediately looked to James, praying that he wouldn't do anything stupid. Then, without thinking, he asked, loud enough for the entire hall to hear.

"Amelia Wright, will you go out with me?"

Amelia blushed and nodded. "Yes!"

The entire hall buzzed, and for a split second, Lily's friends along with Remus and Sirius saw a pang of hurt and jealousy in the red haired girl's eyes. They dismissed it though, and quickly joined in the buzzing conversation of the Hall.

From the corner, in his stone gray robes, Charlie put the period on the sentence at the last line near the bottom of the page and tore it out, sticking it into a pocket inside his robes.

Phase one of Lily and James' long-winded and thoroughly unnecessarily complicated story of love is complete.

* * *

A/N: Yes, I am quite possibly on something...


End file.
